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Apr. 10th, 2007 @ 02:14 pm (no subject)
Current Location: social science pod
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: cher-believe...hahahaha...not my choice..
I think way too much about the future sometimes.  i try to plan, and i should know from the past that that never works out.  i just need to go with it i guess.  i know what i want...thats the thing.  i know exactly what i want...im just scared of what that looks like to others i guess sometimes...family, friends, etc..i said it before and ill say it again..i know he's gonna be the one that takes me away from here.  its not a bad thing.  im realizing im more independent than i give myself credit for sometimes.  im okay with moving on from certain aspects of my life.  i look at him and all i can see is the beginning of my real life.  now that probably sounds ridiculous.  it sounds ridiculous to me, even though i feel so strongly about it.  i cant help but feel that way and im not ashamed of it.  not that i dont consider now real life...but its not really real life at all.  its fun.  living at school with ur best friends, only having to worry about minor things, and ur main priority is just to have a good time for as long as u can....while do well at school of course, haha.  i feel like i've come to a point where i've had enough experiences to know what i need and what i want.  i refuse to let him go for any reason.   he makes me see life in the way i need to see it.  i dont know how to explain it at all, but i have never really experienced anything so real.  i'd be an idiot to let go of any of that.  he made a sacrifice for me, a huge one at that.  he didnt plan on being here any longer, he wanted to go away and continue his life and career in the way he saw  would be best for him.  ultimately he's not losing out on anything, but it was still a change of plans.  he is still getting pressure to make a big move, with people telling him that its his best opportunity and he'd be stupid not to take it.  i guess thats the pressure i feel sometimes about doing certain things in a certain way, not from him, but other people in my life i guess.  but everyone lives their life differently and there is no one way of doing everything.  i've always done everything the typical way.  i need a change of pace.  even though its a year away, i know that i want things to be different when i graduate.  i dont want to just go and live at home hoping to find a job and getting into old routines.  its not that i plan on just running away and not doing what i want with my life and just following him for the rest of my life.  the thing about this whole situation is that i see myself being able to do what i want with him and he has said before that he would never want me to sacrifice what i want to do for him, because that comes first...which it does.  

i just feel stupid.  stupid that im already even thinking about this.  our conversations about our relationship have started to become intense in terms of knowing that this is definitely a longterm thing.    its all moved very fast and its easy to criticize relationships that are like that...i should know, i've done it before...but like i said before, i've never been so sure about what i want in my life..not just in him, but everything.  it feels good but scary all at the same time knowing that its getting so close to real life...
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